Sippy Cups & Shaker Bottles

Yup, that's my life now. 

I can no longer claim a recent departure from my twenties. Nope, I now have both feet firmly planted in the thirties. But I am pleased to say that "they" (you know, the great collective of people who give unsolicited, sometimes unwanted sage advice..."they") were right. In my two years of living this thirties life, I have found it to be vastly superior to my twenties. 

I have the support of my little nuclear family. I am back in my home state which holds endless support both familial or otherwise. I draw endless motivation from the ever-changing #spartanprincess. I now have a clear direction of where I would like to be in a few years. 

Did you ever get that question in a job interview? I always hated that one. There are far too many variables, both known and not, for me to guesstimate let alone pinpoint where I will be in 5 years. But I digress. 

My point in this post is that life has thrown some pretty crazy curveballs at me the last 5 years. I'm not even in shouting distance of where I thought I'd be right now. And yet, I'm happy. Life is unfolding faster and more beautifully than words could describe so I'm just going to stand here at this sink cleaning sippy cups and shaker bottles for the "inth" time. 

More specific updates to come. But please, feel free to share where you are right now. Does it seem vaguely similar to your expectations?

For such a time as this...

This morning when I arrived at the gym, in my blurry sleep haze, I caught a glimpse of the TV screen overhead. I blinked a few times to focus on the ticker at the bottom... another shooting, this time a bible study.

Still a bit foggy, those words "bible study" whisk me back in time to my youth group. I see the scene play out at my childhood church in one of the upper rooms where we regularly spent hours talking, singing, praying with and for each other. I see my youth group friends, I can still name them, see their faces, hear their voices as they laugh, read or sing.

Enter a stranger. At that point in our lives it would have been just another new person to welcome and open our arms to make them feel welcome. Now I see it in a different light. Now I watch the hands for any jerky or sudden movements. What is in the backpack or the waist band? This scene is forever changed in my mind.


For the next few days and weeks, we will hear the phrase "hate crime" shouted from the rooftops. My question to you...

Isn't murder always a hate crime?

Regardless of religion or skin color, the shooter decided to take the life of someone he viewed as worthless, irrelevant or offensive. I would like to offer a reminder, ALL LIVES MATTER.

This morning heaven is a little bit brighter because our brothers and sisters in the spirit are now seeing the face of God. The earth is a bit darker because evil inflicted pain and suffering yet again.

I do not wish to engage in speculation about motive. We may never know.

"It was an act of mad men." This line (from one of my favorite TV shows!) rings with truth. It was nobody's fault but the shooter. An act of a mad man. There is no need to search for a line or reason or a logical explanation. It is an act of madness.

I will end with this call to action: Instead of participating in the speculation or accusation, today, hug your children. Tell your loved ones how much you love and cherish them. Close your eyes and thank God for another day. Then open your eyes and shine a little brighter in this darkened world.

God is still God. He is still in control. His promises are true every morning. His love will never be dimmed by the acts of mad men.

pieces of my heart

I found this quote the other day which so richly expressed the feelings I have this week.

"When connections are real, they simply never die. They can be buried, or ignored or walked away from, but never broken. If you've deeply resonated with another person or place the connection remains despite any distance, time, situation, lack of presence, or circumstance. If you're doubtful then just try it - go and revisit a person or place and see if there's any sense at all of the space between then and now.

If it was truly real, you'll be instantly swept back into the moment it was before it left - during the same year and place with the same wonder and hope, comfort and heartbeat.

Real connections live on forever."

~ Victoria Erickson

This week has reminded me of this truth. To the ladies that have remained and to those that have returned in my life. Thank you for being the beautiful flowers in the garden of my memories. Even if we have drifted away, there is a significant place on the shelf of my heart that will house my love and adoration for you. (sadly, Weaver, I didn't grab one of our older photos to add, my bad)

scattered

I have so many thoughts today but I can't make heads or tails of them... maybe if I write them down I will find a common thread.

1. new day, new week, new daycare. She's allowed to have her paci? really? you mean she did fine? she played with kids? WEIRD. (sarcasm, I knew I was right!)

2. I always wanted to name my daughter Olivia. My husband issued a stern "veto" due to an unfortunate prom experience with a lying cheating Olivia. This makes me sad. Life lesson, don't be a b(%^^* because it could ruin some girls dream waaaaaaaaaaaaaay down the road.

3. what do I want to do with my life?

4. I really don't want to move to homestead. what a horrible place. But is it still better than here?

5. These people have too much money

6. I wish I had too much money. Not forever, maybe just a month.

7. Really, Bogota?!

8. Sometimes my boss makes me feel like I walk on water, other times the water is just at my head. There really is no in between.

9. are we ready for a second baby? I really wanted to be out of debt so I could enjoy that time.

10. I want my mama.



Ok, I found the common thread. I'm nuts.

problem child

My child is strong. She is opinionated. She is passionate. She is inquisitive. She is teachable. She is excitable. She is beautiful.

You know what my child is not? A problem.

I understand your desire to only have passive, quiet children who are content to spend the day reading (staring at... our children are not even two) a book quietly for the better part of the day. I truly do. However, if every child acted like this I'm fairly certain our society would collapse.

You see, I too was an active child. I had an imagination that roamed far and wide whether I was asleep or awake. I loved to learn knew things which oddly enough did not cross over into my formal education experience until college. I too was misunderstood as I danced outside of the realm of average, unaware of my labeled "shortcomings."  So I watch my daughter and mourn for the trials she will face in "standard" classrooms that will in no way address her unique qualities.

Do you see what I did there? "Unique qualities." Learn that phrase, study it, memorize it. This phrase should be employed when referring to my child for she is unique. She is unlike any other (almost) two year old you will ever meet. She is not superior or inferior. She is perfectly my daughter. There has never been nor will there every be another. She sits squarely and perfectly in the space created for her. I applaud that.

I spend my energy encouraging, molding, shaping, trimming, replacing, building the person she is. I am proud that she is not a shrinking violet. I set lofty expectations for her, not because I am "a stern mother." (<- awesome="" because="" capable.="" font="" for="" fully="" guilt="" her="" i="" is="" know="" nbsp="" set="" she="" thanks="" that="" them="" trip="">

So the next time you decide to spend 15 minutes of my (very short and extremely precious) time with my daughter (picking up from daycare) telling me how she is "exhausting, defiant, too active, does not play well with the other children, or has a problem with authority," please be prepared for rebuttal. (SHE IS TWO YEARS OLD!!!!!!!)

My child is not a problem, she is "beautifully and wonderfully made." and I will make no bones about defending her right to be just that. One day, many years from now when she has succeeded at whatever it is she decides to do with her life, I will not remember you, I will not remind her of this, I will simply smile at the years of love, praise, encouragement and structure that I poured into my child.

EVERYBODY QUIET!

a mother's brain is a frightening place.... just a glimpse at what my brain was doing at 10:30pm while I tried (and failed) to sleep.

ok kevin is at work...I hate sleeping without him...I hope he is ok...I'm so glad he remembered to call at 9... its been an hour and a half since then, so much could have happened...forget that, you are home with the squirt alone...oh man I'm alone... what was that?! lightning...what if lightning strikes the building...that sounds more like a tornado...which room is the interior room in a condo? but I'm on the 2nd floor of 6 so do I go outside to avoid being crushed? game plan... grab squirt, she needs shoes and a jacket, her bag is in the car...no time to get to the car plus its on the first floor. ok grab squirt then shoes then jacket then a few diapers to get thru the night all into a bag. Which bag? no backpacks, take the pink bag. Ok she's set. Now what? (<- a="" also="" and="" are="" back="" bag="" bags="" be="" bedroom="" book="" building="" center="" collapse.="" day="" don="" door="" emergency="" fall="" financials="" font="" front="" getting="" going="" grab="" headed="" heads="" heavy="" her="" i="" if="" is="" laptop.="" life="" m="" may="" metal.="" my="" need="" not="" now="" of="" ok="" on="" one="" our="" out="" phone.="" rain-boots="" safe="" set="" shelf="" shoed="" shoes.="" so="" squirt="" staircase.="" t="" the="" theme="" then="" they="" title="" to="" totally="" wait="" way="" which="">

ok what if a fire breaks out in her room, ya know, like a Molotov cocktail or something....

Seriously brain?! shut up and go to sleep.

"he's got the whooooooole world in His hands...."

5 am alarm for the gym.

How was your night?!

What was the original plan?

10:45pm - uncurl out of bed for 2 ib profen. I'm exhausted to the point of restless. 3 nights now my "squirt" (my daughter) has tossed and turned screaming out, almost hourly, in pain. Tylenol has failed. Molars, I am convinced, are satan's way of reminding parents just how fallible we are.

"so what you survived colic and reflux... here have some molars" love, satan.

When I reach this point of exhaustion (sadly I know this place very well) I tend to prance around the philosophical realm.

 side note: I think this must be what strung out artists feel like. They take drugs to get to a weird, blurry existential place. I could save them a lot of money, just give birth to a child who doesn't believe in sleep. no drugs needed.

aaaaaanyway, I laid in bed listening to my daughter cry (I'm not a bad mom, she did not want me to hold her, she hurled herself out of my arms back into bed) wondering if this was part of the adam and eve curse. Is this the result of Eve's forbidden fruit decision? If so, what was the original plan? Did God intend for women to carry children? What would that have looked like? Would a child have Houdini'd out of the womb? Or did God intend to just have fellowship with Adam and Eve with no procreation?

And furthermore, does He cry with babies as they cry the same as He weeps with adults? Is this what He feels like when his children cry during a death of a loved one or a divorce watching helplessly as we suffer? Did He know all along that Eve would fail and still longed for companionship so much that He was willing to endure watching us in misery if it meant seeing us at all?

I wish I could have answers to these things. Actually, I wish I could stop my daughter's pain. I'd suffer the endless questions forever if it meant she could be pain free. Was this His thought as he watched Jesus suffer and die?

I need sleep.