Twenty something and honored

He chose me. After all this time, ridiculous drama, countless life struggles and mounds of emotional baggage. He looked passed it all and picked me.

Yes I could make some hyper-spiritual reference here but that wouldn't be like me at all.

Truth is I'm honored by the man that has chosen to be my life long partner, my fiancé and husband. I chose him 5 years ago but the timing wasn't right. So here we are.

My point is that I look at the most beautiful ring on my finger and am overwhelmed with joy that all of it is real. He is mine. I was right. But most of all that I've found my place... Finally. What a strange, unfamiliar feeling.

I love you Kevin and I can't wait to be your wife, your best friend and partner in crime! :)

Twenty something and curious

Purple
Blue
Green

What is your vote?

twenty something and rosy

here are my happy thoughts...

coffee on the couch cuddled up with him

trying on wedding dresses

comfy blue couches

my new nephew

apartment shopping in strange towns with him

oddly enough my rental car

seeing my friend tear up when she finds her wedding dress

a sparkling clean apartment

paying off my car on my birthday

my papa answering the phone "hello mrs miller" :)

videos of Jaime's son Henry

coming home from work tonight to see Mr. Miller

motorcycle rides with him

La Place with the Ladies

Shanananana singing happy birthday on my voicemail

what are your happy thoughts?

Twenty something and drifting

What a strange date and time for my thoughts to be drifting towards my dad.

I really wish I could hear him laugh. Such a good laugh.

I miss you dad

Twenty something for another year

Happy birthday to me!

So I'm not really a fan of new years resolutions because generally they don't work. My goal for 2009 was to make it better then 2008. Seemed easy enough.

No family members with cancer, check.
No family members died, check.
No major life changes, check.

So now here I am less than 24 hours from another birthday. I believe I will continue the goal I set on January 1, 2009.

This year will be better than next year. Beginning March 11, 2010 :)

twenty something and musing

sunshine....

hatchbacks....

flowers...

skiing...

blue couch...

white sand...

shiny things...

bonneville...

ya my brain is weird

twenty something and floating

Everything is upside-down... so why does it feel right?

maybe it's that everything has been upside-down and someone just flipped my snow globe to the other side? The side it's supposed to be on?

I've always lived pretty backwards, my own drumbeat and all, is this what "normal" people feel "normally"?

everything is wrong and yet i'm so peaceful, so content so indescribably happy :)

twenty something and annoyed

someone explain to me why an eye exam at one location can cost $75 but the same exam at another location (of the same company) can cost $100 simply because the doctor is not on an insurance coverage plan. BUT i don't have optical insurance so why would it matter if he's on the plan or not? I'm so confused and frustrated. I just want to order contacts. They fit, I can see perfectly and there are no problems. Can't i just order them? UGH

twenty something and amazed

you have loved me for years but you didn't see me

you saw my talent but never the full potential

you loved our life but never our future

you desired me but didn't appreciate me

fast forward... here we stand

with passion in your eyes,

adoration in your words,

dedication on your lips and

comfort in your arms

you see me.

you "get" me.

you love me.

twenty something and counting down

10 ... o'clock at night

9 ... what time i should have gotten up this morning

8 ... the time you should be here tomorrow

7 ... loads of laundry to fold before you get here

6 ... the number of outfits i've tried on for when you get here

5 ... hours worked today waiting for you to get here

4 ... the number of times i've had to reset the power in my house so it will be on when you get here

3 ... days of your smile being here

2 ... number of tables to serve before you get here

1 ... more night of going to sleep without you

twenty something and impatient

AAAAHHHHH 2 more days !

2 more days....

2 more days....

2 more days....

2 more days....

2 more days....

twenty something and day dreaming

day dreaming of places not here...

of events to come...

of people i miss....

of possibilities unforeseen...

of napa, sonoma, disney, france, spain, italy...

of actually falling asleep tonight...

twenty something and random

yup. that's me... random! i can think of no better word to describe what happens to me and by me and as a result of me... just random.

on a lighter note, there are some things in the works that may make my life exponentially better. stay tuned (both of you that "randomly" read my blog)

but alas, for me tis time for bed. valentines weekend is upon us and my depression as a server...a single server...a single 26 year old server...a single 26 year old server in a tiny town... is only worsened by the rose-colored, champagne popping, engagement ring in the dessert doom awaiting me for the next 3 days. UGH! glad i stocked up on coffee.

but no matter, another day... another table... another steak... another check... another tip.

night night!

twenty something and implacable

attempting to forgive... failing

attempting to forget... failing

attempting to move past... failing

attempting to progress.... failing

attempting to be inspired... failing

attempting to heal... failing

attempting to stand, yet again, regardless of the agonizing weight of it all, the aching body rendered weary, the burning eyes which house no more tears, the shards of my heart piercing flesh as i push up from the floor... succeeding.

i am not perfect, i am not extraordinary. I possess no supernatural powers of strength or intelligence. I carry no genetic advancements or prodigious level talents. However, i am steadfast in my resolve to stand and continue to stand until i accomplish my goals.

my first giant slushy

yesterday was a lot of firsts for me.1. first official snow day

2. First official snow day from work

3. first official "heavy" snow

4. First time driving in snow

it was crazy! my car did great (minus the obviously possessed alarm system) so here a just a few pictures to show you how my day went.

twenty something and distracted

here i am steadfast and determined... unwavering... a veritable fortress.... and yet that tiny little voice. They creep in so quietly, so stealthily. Do you intend to do this? do you try to make me crumble? unfortunately for me, i rather enjoy it.

sweet sweet misery.

(p.s. for the record this is not a sad post, not depressed or down-trodden. actually quite the opposite)

twenty something and determined

For anyone still holding out hope that i will post some beautifully poetic monologue on the meaning of life or something... you obviously don't know me.

So for tonight i have come up with something i need to hear personally and maybe you do too.

I will not give up. I am strong and determined to succeed. Although at this date and time my prospects looks about as bleak as my credit score, i will not be deterred! I will make it, come hell or high water (and i've had both recently). It's true that i may not be able to pay some bills on time, buy anything for myself and can probably barely afford food; but i don't care. I WILL succeed.

Mark my words... These loans will be paid off in the near future. My car will be paid off THIS year! and i WILL have a job in the next two months!

Not too profound but it's what i need to hear!

twenty something and bothered

So, it's been a while (you should be used to it by now), sorry for the negligence! It's been one hell of a roller-coaster these last couple of months.

Here's a short recap to catch you up before i get to the meat of this post....

July - left my "day job" which turned out to be a total sham! Thanks for that!

August - Went to Chicago with Jenn, left me painfully short on cash but quite frankly worth every second! Can't wait to go back!!!

September - broke up with the guy i had been dating for a few months. Learned a few lessons, a. don't date someone so much younger than you; b. dating someone 2 hours away is pretty hard

October - starting dating a new guy. He was wonderful! i knew almost instantly that this could really be something special.

November - he came back in town on thanksgiving (so i didn't go to my family reunion... sadness) which became our first "official" date.

December - CANCUUUUUUUUN! We might as well have been filming a short documentary for MTV on why you should never take a trip with 6 women! Oh well, I'd go back. (just with different circumstances!) Also that boy came in town for christmas, with the intention of us driving to MN to meet his family. Blizzard hit. No MN. So we re-packed and went to florida to be with my family. (No sense in not bein with family right?) GREAT! meet the family, it's casual, everything is going swimmingly.

January - relationship is over. Lessons learned... a. everyone has baggage, question is how much are you willing to help carry? b. dating someone 12 hours away is even harder! c. i realized how unhappy i had been over the last few years and how much i missed being the happy-go-lucky amy!

And finally, which is the real point of this post... I also received an email from my Tally Ex. haven't talked to him in the two years since we broke up. Thought I was gonna marry him. Problem is he didn't think the same thing. (sadness again) Apparently my blog is too depressing. I didn't think that was the case but what do I know? My attempt was a sounding board for thought provoking posts. I realize that sometimes inspiration to write comes from a place of anger or sadness and so yes, I have posted in that sort of tone before.

Please allow me to take a moment to now clarify. Yes, the last 3 or 4 years of my life have been painful due to unspeakable suffering and loss, growing pains, separation, anxiety, stress (both good and bad) and trial and error and of course, learning experiences. But i'm here to tell you that for the last 3 months, I've been happy. I'm finding joy in life again (maybe not so much MINE specifically but life in general). I'm talking with God again and we are ok. I'm working through all that baggage that i've carried around for so long. And anyone who knows me, has recognized it and applauded it.

I've also learned this month to stop surrounding myself with negativity. Ya, it may seem like a simple lesson but not always. Stress and unhappiness can come from such unlikely places, sometimes the very thing that you claim to make you happy.

So, now that you have stopped reading and are thoroughly bored, i will say adieu.

twenty something and blushing

so last i had a conversation that made me wish... for many things. I can't explain it. well i can but i probably won't for fear of regretting it. I read a chapter from Julie Powell today that made me think. Yes, we are in fact living in a time of instant gratification which leads us to things like blogging. Instantly uploading our every thoughts and whims into a page that we are convinced someone is dying to read.

but is my life really that exciting? do you really want to know who i talked to and what it made me wish for...............