twenty something with no excuses

I would love to say my life has been so wonderfully packed with excitement and adventure of which I could endlessly post stories and quips... but tragically I have no such tales. 

life has been relatively boring. With the ending of yet another "mismatch" I am left sitting in cleveland ... waiting. I hate waiting, in every sense of that word. I sit waiting for something to happen because frankly I have no idea where I want to go. I also wait on others to decide how they want their steak, which cheap bottle of wine they'd like to try tonight and exactly how little they can get away with tipping without feeling guilty. (I wish guilt on all of you who do that... KARMA!!!!!) 

anyway... I'm still struggling with the idea of grad school although my lack of desire to study for the GRE is kinda determining the outcome of that for me. Mom and I did actually get our business license and A&M Events is up and running... well it's up I'm not totally sure about the running part. But we will see where it goes. 

Truth be told I'd love for it to go to texas. Not that I have an innate desire to live in texas, but... well that maybe a post for another time. 

For now... I will just wait. 

twenty something and bitter

yup...that's right, bitter. I won't go into the details but let's just say that my patience is wearing thin and I'm getting antsy. I hope another move is not in the near future but if I'm forced to sit still and quiet much longer I fear I might just pack up and move to Greece. (it's kinda my M.O.) 

twenty something and empty

Photo by Saskia Eubanks

This is me... laying in bed, empty, lifeless... listening to the very song I'm supposed to be singing on sunday. Of course, I do this to myself. I spend so much time searching for the perfect song that will "speak" to people and touch THAT place in their hearts that needs healing or whatever other "christianese" you want to place here. And yet I am still shocked at the utter backfire of this request. I suppose part of me feels that in order to minister I must understand those I'm ministering to. Sounds easy enough right? Ya, no problem! 

Right on cue... the thoughts start... How on earth can I touch people with nothing inside of me but this crap that has been gathering and building and seems to be such a wall between me and God. And for the record, No I am not blind to the irony of choosing a song named "open my heart" considering the utter lack of openness in my heart over the last 5 or 6 years.

So here I sit, listening... memorizing... feeling... absorbing... BAM! there it is. I've always heard that we are to be empty vessels for Him. but what does that even mean? Who hasn't flashed to the scene from Ghost where Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze gently craft pottery together? (don't go too far with that example I'm just talking about the pottery here.) However that's not reality for us as "vessels." It's more like the mind-numbing and meticulous chipping away of excess, much in the way Michelangelo's David was crafted. 

Ok, I can handle that. It sucks. It hurts but OK. So laying here in my bed, listening to this song say "I open my heart, fill it with nothing but You... Lord cleanse me... until all that remains is the earnest desire... to open my heart and be filled with nothing but you." hmmmm.....interesting. 

Tonight it occurred to me. the higher the walls of this vessel, the stronger it is, the more it is capable of holding. Perhaps you should also understand that I've often been referred to as "strong" ... whether meaning "strong willed," "strongly opinionated," "stubborn" or otherwise. At this point in my life I've come to loathe this title and usually grimace when someone points it out.  Yes, I suppose I have a fortitude that could rival a military compound but I KNOW what it cost me to have this fortitude. What I had to endure and survive and ultimately forgive. It's not glamorous or enviable in my humble (and bitter) opinion. 

None the less the thoughts started creeping in that perhaps because of these things that I have endured, maybe... just maybe I'll be able to hold just a bit more of Him than I first thought possible. Even as I'm writing this I am cringing at the absurd cliche of it all. But whatever, have you met my parents? 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe being strong AND empty isn't such a bad thing. Maybe... just maybe.... it will be filled with something far beyond anything I "could ask or think"

oh my... it's late and I fear a song is welling up... must be time for bed!! 

twenty something and forgot to post pictures

Ok so these are just some fun times from the last 4 months. These range in origin from school, to family, graduation to california. lots of good times. will post more later

twenty something and boring

so apparently i haven't posted a new blog since february. My life is so boring... or maybe i'm just so busy. Well...was busy. So here's the last 4 months in a nut shell. 

1. Feb, blonde chick in my 745 continued to get on my nerves, so i stopped going. It's a good thing i lived with a theologian. I still got an A in the class :) Also went to Peru with the folks. FABULOUS!!! far too much to write on that subject. 

2. March, spring break in orlando with shanananananana... wonderful time and a sunburn. 

3. April... SCHOOOOOOOOOOLLLLL and another trip to orlando. 

4. May, graduation, new babies in the family, california trip, big girl job, florida trip, bristol trip, florida trip, bristol trip... lump on my back... oh crap! 

5. June, lump on my back gone, thank God!! highly traumatic event. Job A, Job B, Job A, Job B...hello July

so did you catch all of that? went by fast...believe me! that's about what it felt like for me! sorry i'm not feeling all deep and philosophical today. Perhaps another day. 

creatures of habit

every tuesday and thursday morning i slap my alarm clock to make it shut up around 6:30 am. If you know me at all, you know that me and 6:30 don't get along!! but i pull my lazy bum out of bed, begrudgingly dress and make a b-line for starbucks. Kyle, my starbucks/facebook/cleveland friend has a knack for making me feel better about life in general. Plus, that's where they serve the coffee :) 

So with my full warmed mug i head to class which starts in five minutes at 7:45 but don't get me started on that... why do they have to have class at 7:45 in the morning? Moving on...

So it's now a full month into class so we have been in this particular class roughly 8 or 9 times. If you remember from you college, high school or even middle school days you must choose your seat wisely on the first day. Why? Because we are creatures of habit. The seat you choose on the first day will probably be where you sit for the remainder of the semester and believe it or not speaks volumes about the kind of student you are. 

I assessed the room and on the first day, chose a seat in the middle row all the way against the wall because that's where the power outlet is for my computer. 

So what am i supposed to do this morning when i arrive at class at assume my seat. Only to have the little blonde thing next to me, turn and say "Um, i like, have a friend sitting here... can you sit somewhere else?"

I wanted immediately to flip my hair, bat my eyelashes and state "NO." Unfortunately for me, my coffee had yet to have an affect so instead i just stared at her like she was an idiot then said, "sure i'll be happy to move from the only seat i have sat in this semester." 

So here i sit in the back of the classroom, not paying attention because i'm writing this stupid blog about a stupid offense that shouldn't even be bothering me. And yet it does. 

and for the record, her friend never arrived. 

what do you want

This is the question someone asked me recently when discussing my ever-nearing graduation date. They continued..."how can you know where to go and what to do if you don't know what you want?" 

So here is my list of things i want in my life

1. I want a best friend and soul-mate (and yes i'm quite impatient about it)

2. I want to live to see my great-grandchildren

3. I want my children to know my father, even though they will never be able to meet him

4. I want to have a career i  can be proud of and satisfied by, not just a paycheck

5. I want to see some of the world. I'm so greedy that i have to see all of the world, just some. 

6. I want a guy that knows my coffee and ice-cream (which isn't that hard, Strong black coffee with a little stevia and coffee flavored ice cream) and brings them to me spontaneously just because he knows i like it

7. I want to sing on stages around the world

8. I want children that are social and strong

9. I want to make my nana proud

10. I want to inspire

11. I want to be inspired 

12. I want to be as happy (or joyful if you will) as a I was at 11 or 12

13. I want to be seen for who i am, not as a pageant girl or a pastors kid or any of the other stereotypes that plague me

14. I want a love that is worthy of a best-seller

15. i want permanent friends

16. i want mango as often as possible

17. i want to be as strong and simultaneously as soft as my mother

18. I want to love him totally and completely with no thoughts of where and what i've been through

19. I want to honor my family

20. I want to someday enjoy the learning process

Daddy's Girl

My Father was my hero

A strong and sturdy man

He taught me how to love my God

And how to trust His hand

My father was my idol

With talent i can't explain

He taught me how to praise my God

in happiness and pain

My father was my best friend

Always my midnight call

He taught me how to trust my God

Even when I take a fall

My father was my mentor

Telling me "yes, you can!"

He taught me how to praise my God

By being just who I am

Me father was my pastor

With faith unfailing and true

He taught me how to love my God

By loving all of you

My father is now in heaven

He lost his cancer fight

He taught me how to trust my God

Even in my darkest night

My father was my everything

But he is happier now

For he's praising our God in heaven

Just like he taught me how. 

I miss you papa! 

Church first, always

Why is it that this school that makes people want to always discuss church? is there nothing else in the world that we can talk about? or is it just my own bitterness towards the institution of "the church" as a whole? 

Unfortunately, I'm not quite sure and really have no way of figuring it out as of right now. So how do I now approach a group project in which others are excited and motivated to compare and contrast denominations and what effect they have on communication or vice versa? 

Not sure but for right now I'm going to sit in class and be bitter... 

Good-bye pageantry, hello real world!

So for those of you who know me, you know that pageantry has been a major part of my life for over three years now. I know that doesn't seem like very long but trust me, on your sixth or seventh month of extreme dieting and 2-a-day workouts.... 3 years is an eternity. 

Alas, this past weekend at the Kingsport Renaissance Center, I bid a fond farewell to an interestingly dramatic chapter of my life. Thankfully I was able to pass my title down to an incredible young lady that will carry the torch (or crown, as it were) for another year. She is an amazing person and if you ever get the chance to meet the new Miss First Frontier, please do so. 

To lay gossip to rest, yes I was in fact larger than I was at Miss Tennessee. So you can stop chattering as though I had no idea that seven months ago I was a size two and now in January of 2009.... I am not! But thanks to the creative stylings of one Mrs. Ethel Smalley I was dressed to kill on saturday night. 

Unfortunately for me, my computer crashed just days before taking with it my strategically planned and arranged farewell speech so in true Maddox fashion I flew by the seat of my pants and of course forgot half of what I was going to say. Oh well, I warned them ahead of time that I was not eloquent nor short-winded :).

So here's one final picture in the life and times of Miss First Frontier 2008

I'm not a virgin anymore"

Is what a young teenage girl mouthed to her "bff" sitting across from her at the table.

Now I have been privy to numerous random table conversations in my lifetime but never have any of them started with this phrase. Nor would I have expected it to provoke such a response as what came out of "bff's" mouth.

"Oh, I 'm so excited! I'm so proud of you"

WWHHHATTTTTT?!?!?! is what immediately came to my mind, but maybe that's just me and my twisted way of thinking. Now I realize that in two months I'll will be marking a quarter century in my life, but am I that far removed that I am actually shocked at this conversation?

Man... I think I need to immerse myself in "Rockband" and "hannah montana" to re-introduce myself to "young society".