twenty something and empty

Photo by Saskia Eubanks

This is me... laying in bed, empty, lifeless... listening to the very song I'm supposed to be singing on sunday. Of course, I do this to myself. I spend so much time searching for the perfect song that will "speak" to people and touch THAT place in their hearts that needs healing or whatever other "christianese" you want to place here. And yet I am still shocked at the utter backfire of this request. I suppose part of me feels that in order to minister I must understand those I'm ministering to. Sounds easy enough right? Ya, no problem! 

Right on cue... the thoughts start... How on earth can I touch people with nothing inside of me but this crap that has been gathering and building and seems to be such a wall between me and God. And for the record, No I am not blind to the irony of choosing a song named "open my heart" considering the utter lack of openness in my heart over the last 5 or 6 years.

So here I sit, listening... memorizing... feeling... absorbing... BAM! there it is. I've always heard that we are to be empty vessels for Him. but what does that even mean? Who hasn't flashed to the scene from Ghost where Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze gently craft pottery together? (don't go too far with that example I'm just talking about the pottery here.) However that's not reality for us as "vessels." It's more like the mind-numbing and meticulous chipping away of excess, much in the way Michelangelo's David was crafted. 

Ok, I can handle that. It sucks. It hurts but OK. So laying here in my bed, listening to this song say "I open my heart, fill it with nothing but You... Lord cleanse me... until all that remains is the earnest desire... to open my heart and be filled with nothing but you." hmmmm.....interesting. 

Tonight it occurred to me. the higher the walls of this vessel, the stronger it is, the more it is capable of holding. Perhaps you should also understand that I've often been referred to as "strong" ... whether meaning "strong willed," "strongly opinionated," "stubborn" or otherwise. At this point in my life I've come to loathe this title and usually grimace when someone points it out.  Yes, I suppose I have a fortitude that could rival a military compound but I KNOW what it cost me to have this fortitude. What I had to endure and survive and ultimately forgive. It's not glamorous or enviable in my humble (and bitter) opinion. 

None the less the thoughts started creeping in that perhaps because of these things that I have endured, maybe... just maybe I'll be able to hold just a bit more of Him than I first thought possible. Even as I'm writing this I am cringing at the absurd cliche of it all. But whatever, have you met my parents? 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe being strong AND empty isn't such a bad thing. Maybe... just maybe.... it will be filled with something far beyond anything I "could ask or think"

oh my... it's late and I fear a song is welling up... must be time for bed!!