my my my...

How things have changed. Can you believe it has been over 2 years since I last posted. I can't believe it's been longer than that since we first moved to the polar vortex. AS you can probably see things have changed in my life just a tad. but I'm not here to talk about that today. I have some random thoughts that have been bubblin up in me and I can't seem to get them out so I'm just gonna verbally puke on this post.

1. can we please stop being fake about being a mom. It's hard. it's not glamorous. Most of the time its not fun. I mean, who hasn't thrown up their hands when "peanut" decides to spew hot pink medicine (ya, you know what I'm talkin about) down your new dress 10 minutes before you have to leave for work. But do I miss her every single day when I drop her off at school DUH!

2. I am fairly certain that I had a serious bout with postpartum depression. In fact I'm fairly convinced I still battle with it. I'm not ashamed to admit it. There were (perhaps are) days when I don't want to be a mom. When I have thought about driving to target, the target in Florida. I firmly believe I can now speak to those women who are hurting, feeling helpless and "less than."

** soap box moment: you are NOT less than. You are a survivor. You do not, should not, could not have it all together. There is a reason women have stuck together for GENERATIONS, helping with babies. There is no possible way for you to know it all. Yes, it is enraging when I have struggle with my daughter for days, countless tears from both of us. Then Mimi comes up, holds her for a moment and says, "well babe, she has _______. That's why she's upset" OF COURSE! Why didn't I see that?!

3. How am I going to deal with a daughter?! I was a relatively good child until I got to college. How will I ever tell my daughter to stop dating that moron when I, myself, was "in love" at 15 and "destined" to marry him. (< not my proudest moment!)

4. I feel quite ill-prepared for life. I spent far too many years preparing for a career that apparently will never come (ok a bit dramatic, but at 30, I have no 401k, only that savings my husband and I have built over the last 3 years and no visible path... yes yes yes I hear all of the preachers in my head "trust Him when you can't see the path") at the same time I feel like a terrible mother because I want to work and have a career. Conversely I am a terrible employee because I want to be at every field trip, every show, every parade (yes, she's 10 months old and her class is having a parade). Someone please speak to this. How do you do it?

5. I have a deep desire to be THAT mom. The everything awesomely mom. But I can't. I am not a good cook, I'm too lazy to be super-exerciser mom, and I have to work so I can't be the almost a teacher cause I'm always there mom, although I certainly do know how to clean with the best of them I definitely don't want to be anal-retentive psycho clean house mom/ So what am I showing my daughter. will I unknowingly fall into the jack-of-all-trades category? bummer

6. I don't want to give my daughter my grandparents religion. Don't tell me nana. I love her and the legacy she and papa have handed down and hear me when I say I have the UTMOST respect for them. But I don't necessarily agree with all of their religious choices. So how do I give nibbles of my God when I'm still trying to figure Him out?

7. Will my body ever go back to a happy normal state? I feel like a teenager again with breakouts, almost constant PMS, irritability. Ugh. I thought I already made it thru this.

8. I still want to own a bridal shop. I so enjoyed working for Kendra. I miss her environment. God, yes I'm addressing Him, not using His name in vain, is that something that can maybe happen later? I will be faithful in my current station but I'd like to keep that hope alive.

ok I think that's enough for now. I should probably go back to work.